I think this is such a sad story.....
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7371959.stm
I wonder why no one suspected anything happened to her? I cannot even imagine what this poor woman went through with her children. It's just so sad and tragic.
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Monday, April 28, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Blocking and Diverting
Blocking is a form of verbal abuse in which the abuser controls discussion, withholds information, or diverts his or her partner's attention to something else.
Some examples of blocking include:
That's a lot of crap!
Where did you get a crazy idea like that?
Quit your bitching.
This discussion is over.
You think you know everything!
Other times an abuser will block discussion by diverting her attention to something else.
Some examples of blocking by diverting include the following:
This is too complicated for you to understand
I'm tired of your constant complaining!
Just drop it, I don't need this hassle!
I've already explained it to you before!
Some examples of blocking include:
That's a lot of crap!
Where did you get a crazy idea like that?
Quit your bitching.
This discussion is over.
You think you know everything!
Other times an abuser will block discussion by diverting her attention to something else.
Some examples of blocking by diverting include the following:
This is too complicated for you to understand
I'm tired of your constant complaining!
Just drop it, I don't need this hassle!
I've already explained it to you before!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Verbal Abuse - Trivializing
Trivializing is where an abusive partner makes light of his or her partner's accomplishments or achievements. Oftentimes, the partner of an abuser may not feel he or she is communicating how significant an accomplishment is due to the abuser's trivialization of it.
For blogging services, please e-mail me at: miniemedia@gmail.com.
For blogging services, please e-mail me at: miniemedia@gmail.com.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Verbal Abuse - Discounting
Discounting is a form of verbal abuse that leaves the partner of a verbal abuser feeling as if his/her feelings, thoughts, and experiences are worthless or don't matter, according to Patricia Evans in her boo Verbally Abusive Relationships.
Some statements that may be considered as discounting include:
-You don't know what you are talking about.
-You twist my words around.
-You are trying to start a fight.
-You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
-You cannot take a joke.
-You see everything in the worst possible way.
-You think you know it all.
-You think you're always right.
-No one asked you.
-Your feelings don't matter.
Some statements that may be considered as discounting include:
-You don't know what you are talking about.
-You twist my words around.
-You are trying to start a fight.
-You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
-You cannot take a joke.
-You see everything in the worst possible way.
-You think you know it all.
-You think you're always right.
-No one asked you.
-Your feelings don't matter.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Verbal Abuse - Denial
According to Patricia Evans, denial is another form of verbal abuse. Denial occurs when the abuser outright denies the partner's reality and experiences.
Some examples of statements that deny a partner's experience and/or reality are:
"We never had that conversation."
"That never happened."
"I never said that."
"You're making all of that up."
Although the abuser knows these things have occurred, he or she tells his or her partner they did not in order to make him or her doubt one's experiences and reality.
For blogging services, please contact me at: miniemedia@gmail.com.
Some examples of statements that deny a partner's experience and/or reality are:
"We never had that conversation."
"That never happened."
"I never said that."
"You're making all of that up."
Although the abuser knows these things have occurred, he or she tells his or her partner they did not in order to make him or her doubt one's experiences and reality.
For blogging services, please contact me at: miniemedia@gmail.com.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Verbal Abuse - Countering
Countering is a form of verbal abuse in which an abuser tries to dominate or control his or her partner and/or his or her partner’s reality, experiences, and/or feelings, according to Patricia Evans.
Evans remarks in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship that when an abuser constantly counters his or her partner, the partner cannot truly know what the abuser thinks or feels.
Countering is a tactic in which an abuser will tell his or her partner that he or she is wrong – that one’s reality, feelings, perceptions, and thoughts – are wrong.
Here are some examples of countering.
Example 1:
Partner: I think the acting in that movie was done really well.
Abuser: How can you say that? The acting was horrible!
Example 2:
Abuser: That doctor didn’t know what he was talking about. I wonder if he even went to medical school.
Partner: You didn’t think he knew what he was talking about? I actually thought he seemed very intelligent about his subject matter.
Abuser: You’re wrong.
For blogging services, please contact me at: miniemedia@blogspot.com
Evans remarks in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship that when an abuser constantly counters his or her partner, the partner cannot truly know what the abuser thinks or feels.
Countering is a tactic in which an abuser will tell his or her partner that he or she is wrong – that one’s reality, feelings, perceptions, and thoughts – are wrong.
Here are some examples of countering.
Example 1:
Partner: I think the acting in that movie was done really well.
Abuser: How can you say that? The acting was horrible!
Example 2:
Abuser: That doctor didn’t know what he was talking about. I wonder if he even went to medical school.
Partner: You didn’t think he knew what he was talking about? I actually thought he seemed very intelligent about his subject matter.
Abuser: You’re wrong.
For blogging services, please contact me at: miniemedia@blogspot.com
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Verbal Abuse - Undermining
Trigger warning: This post contains details of the things verbal abusers may say and do. This post may trigger memories of verbal abuse.
Underming is a tactic verbal abusers utilize to dampen his partner's enthusiasm, happiness, or excitement.
Undermining includes anything a partner uses to dampen your excitement. Some examples might include the following phrases:
-Who cares?
-That's stupid.
-Nobody asked you.
-Who asked for your opinion?
-Who are you trying to impress?
-What makes you think you're so smart?
-You'll never make it.
-It's over your head.
In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans even describes a situation in which every time one woman sat down to study, her partner took on a very concerned look and asked if she was OK. Over time, the woman became very anxious about studying, something she had originally been very enthusiastic about.
When you are constantly undermined, the verbal abuser tears at your self-esteem by making you feel as if your opinions, thoughts, and feelings don't matter.
Underming is a tactic verbal abusers utilize to dampen his partner's enthusiasm, happiness, or excitement.
Undermining includes anything a partner uses to dampen your excitement. Some examples might include the following phrases:
-Who cares?
-That's stupid.
-Nobody asked you.
-Who asked for your opinion?
-Who are you trying to impress?
-What makes you think you're so smart?
-You'll never make it.
-It's over your head.
In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans even describes a situation in which every time one woman sat down to study, her partner took on a very concerned look and asked if she was OK. Over time, the woman became very anxious about studying, something she had originally been very enthusiastic about.
When you are constantly undermined, the verbal abuser tears at your self-esteem by making you feel as if your opinions, thoughts, and feelings don't matter.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Verbal Abuse: Withholding
Trigger warning: This entry contains detailed description of verbally abusive behavior.
Verbal abuse, unlike physical abuse, can be overt or covert. It isn't always obvious to the victim/survivor or her loved ones that she is being abused.
14 categories constitute verbal abuse, one of which is withholding.
Withholding occurs when one partner withholds affection, information, thoughts, and feelings from his partner. When one person in a relationship withholds, intimacy cannot be created. Survivors of verbal abuse who have experienced withholding say they do not know what they did "wrong" to be ignored.
The truth is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to please your abuser to get him to quit withholding from you. Withholding, like all other abusive behaviors is about power and control.
Verbal abuse, unlike physical abuse, can be overt or covert. It isn't always obvious to the victim/survivor or her loved ones that she is being abused.
14 categories constitute verbal abuse, one of which is withholding.
Withholding occurs when one partner withholds affection, information, thoughts, and feelings from his partner. When one person in a relationship withholds, intimacy cannot be created. Survivors of verbal abuse who have experienced withholding say they do not know what they did "wrong" to be ignored.
Some examples of withholding might include:
-a partner withholding affection from you until you do what he wants you to do.
-refusing to give you information about where he is going, when he is coming back, about financial resources, and other forms of information.
-withholding material resources - in marriage, especially, withholding a promised food budget, bill payments, etc.
-refusing to answer questions, make eye contact, etc.
-withholding affection and comfort when you need it.
-ignoring you.
Over time, withholding damages self-esteem. The mistake many survivors of verbal abuse make, including myself, is that they try to "fix" the problem. They desperately try to figure out how to make the abuser happy so that he will quit withholding.
The truth is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to please your abuser to get him to quit withholding from you. Withholding, like all other abusive behaviors is about power and control.
Introduction to Verbal Abuse
First, on an administrative note: I've had to take a long hiatus from posting to this blog due to personal circumstances. However, I now find it appropriate and necessary to post here once again.
Patricia Evans was one of the first authors to explore verbal abuse in her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Over the course of the next 2-3 weeks, I will be taking an in depth look at verbal abuse, the things verbal abusers say and do, how to respond to it, and how to escape it.
Please be advised that many of these entries contain detailed descriptions of abusive behavior. For your own safety, if you find verbal abuse too triggering, please refrain from reading this material.
Patricia Evans was one of the first authors to explore verbal abuse in her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Over the course of the next 2-3 weeks, I will be taking an in depth look at verbal abuse, the things verbal abusers say and do, how to respond to it, and how to escape it.
Please be advised that many of these entries contain detailed descriptions of abusive behavior. For your own safety, if you find verbal abuse too triggering, please refrain from reading this material.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Why Do They Self-Harm?
One of the things I've discovered throughout my psychology and social work education and training is that people do things for reasons. These reasons may not always be clear to observers, however. And like any other coping mechanism, people self-harm for various reasons.
These are some of the reasons self-harmers commonly give for their self-inflicted violence:
-To numb feelings or to escape depression, dissociation, or emptiness.
-On the contrary, some self-harmers self-injure to escape numbness; they want to feel something.
--To prevent suicide (please see my post below for more information).
-To escape tension or overwhelming feelings.
-To communicate their emotional pain.
-As a way of continuing abusive patterns (many self-harmers have experienced abuse).
-To validate emotional pain.
-To gain control over something, their bodies.
-To punish oneself for being "bad".
-To cope with feelings of anger, alienation, depersonalization, depression, or disassociation.
-To get grounded or to escape a flashback.
Self-harmers have found that hurting themselves is a way in which they can cope with their feelings that seem to painful to just sit with. While the behavior may successfully prevent suicide, once the self-harmer is "hooked" on it, it is very difficult to stop. Learning new, healthier coping mechanisms is hard work and takes a lot of time and practice. For this reason it may take self-harmers months or years to completely stop self-harming.
These are some of the reasons self-harmers commonly give for their self-inflicted violence:
-To numb feelings or to escape depression, dissociation, or emptiness.
-On the contrary, some self-harmers self-injure to escape numbness; they want to feel something.
--To prevent suicide (please see my post below for more information).
-To escape tension or overwhelming feelings.
-To communicate their emotional pain.
-As a way of continuing abusive patterns (many self-harmers have experienced abuse).
-To validate emotional pain.
-To gain control over something, their bodies.
-To punish oneself for being "bad".
-To cope with feelings of anger, alienation, depersonalization, depression, or disassociation.
-To get grounded or to escape a flashback.
Self-harmers have found that hurting themselves is a way in which they can cope with their feelings that seem to painful to just sit with. While the behavior may successfully prevent suicide, once the self-harmer is "hooked" on it, it is very difficult to stop. Learning new, healthier coping mechanisms is hard work and takes a lot of time and practice. For this reason it may take self-harmers months or years to completely stop self-harming.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Self-Harm and Suicide
Most people think self-harm is an indication that someone is trying to kill oneself. I have known several colleagues who have even thought this about their mental health clients. However, contrary to the belief, self-harm is not a suicide attempt, nor is it necessarily an indication that someone wants to kill himself or herself.
Self-harmers often have to use this unhealthy coping mechanism to SURVIVE their circumstances. Self-harmers often come from abusive, neglectful, or otherwise traumatic backgrounds.
It is vital that you talk with a self-harmer about their intentions when they self-harm before assuming that they want to kill themselves.
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Self-harmers often have to use this unhealthy coping mechanism to SURVIVE their circumstances. Self-harmers often come from abusive, neglectful, or otherwise traumatic backgrounds.
It is vital that you talk with a self-harmer about their intentions when they self-harm before assuming that they want to kill themselves.
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Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Who Self-Injures?
The typical self-injurer is female and is in her mid-twenties to her early thirties. Self-injurers typically begin hurting themselves in adolescence, but some individuals begin harming themselves before or after this period in their lives as well. Self-harmers are generally intelligent, middle to upper-middle class, well-educated, and has suffered from sexual and/or physical abuse. Many self-harmers also have at least one alcoholic parent.
Certain personality characteristics are also typical of self-harmers such as an inability to accept rejection, tend not to plan for the future, tend to hate and invalidate themselves, tend to have poor emotional regulation, are usually angry at themselves, may be suicidal or self-destructive, suffer from depression and anxiety, do not feel as if they have much control, and tend to be avoidant. These individuals also tend to lack healthy coping skills.
Self-injurers may engage in other unhealthy coping mechanisms such as eating disordered behavior, substance abuse, reckless driving, unnecessary risk taking, and/or shoplifting.
Certain personality characteristics are also typical of self-harmers such as an inability to accept rejection, tend not to plan for the future, tend to hate and invalidate themselves, tend to have poor emotional regulation, are usually angry at themselves, may be suicidal or self-destructive, suffer from depression and anxiety, do not feel as if they have much control, and tend to be avoidant. These individuals also tend to lack healthy coping skills.
Self-injurers may engage in other unhealthy coping mechanisms such as eating disordered behavior, substance abuse, reckless driving, unnecessary risk taking, and/or shoplifting.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Trust in friendships
As I discussed in my last post, trust is an essential and difficult aspect of relationships. Trust can be especially difficult for individuals who have been through abuse or trauma.
I know this because I grew up in an abusive household. It wasn't until I went to college that I began to learn the importance of trust in relationships. Whether you are trying to develop a friendship or romantic relationship with another person, trust is the basis on which a relationship is built.
So, how do you know when or even if you can trust a potential friend or partner?
Through my experiences, relationships, and my own therapeutic work, I have learned a great deal about trust in friendships.
First, it is important to realize that trust is built over time. Trust shouldn't be given all at once. Oftentimes survivors of abuse or trauma may let down their guard too easily, allowing others to cross their boundaries too early in a developing friendship.
Don't disclose all of your personal information, background, and/or secrets at once. In fact, you may want to start with "small talk". When first meeting someone, get to know them by asking them what I call surface questions. Examples of these might include:
What is your favorite...?
Where are you from?
What are you studying / what do you do in your current job?
Do you have any siblings?
And so forth. Getting to know someone gradually will allow you to develop a greater sense of trust over time.
Do things you both enjoy. Spending time together will allow you to develop a solid friendship. When you spend time with one another, you also have the opportunity to learn more about each other. When you see a movie, for instance, the movie may inspire you to talk about mutual interests or to bring up things you have not discussed before such as your opinions, thoughts, feelings, or experiences.
Consistency is another factor in trust in my opinion. If your potential friend agrees to meet you at Starbucks at 10AM and she runs into traffic, causing her to arrive late, does she call to let you know she'll be late? Does she offer an apology or explanation for her lateness?
Likewise, does your potential friend call to cancel ahead of time if she can't make your meeting? Are her actions consistent with her words? If she tells you she really wants to get to know you, but then doesn't call, e-mail, or make plans with you for the next three months, her words and actions are not consistent with one another.
There are times when we are ALL late, unable to cancel ahead of time, break someone's confidence accidentally, or neglect to keep good contact with our friends. However if these things are happening consistently, the person in question may or may not be trustworthy.
I believe trust is earned, built over time. If you have concerns about potential friends, talk to the people you trust (long-time friends, counselors, a pastor, etc) to get their take on the situation. Then, you may want to consider talking with your potential friend about your concerns regarding him or her.
The most important thing to remember is to take relationships slowly; don't let new or potential friends cross all your boundaries initially and listen to your instincts!
I know this because I grew up in an abusive household. It wasn't until I went to college that I began to learn the importance of trust in relationships. Whether you are trying to develop a friendship or romantic relationship with another person, trust is the basis on which a relationship is built.
So, how do you know when or even if you can trust a potential friend or partner?
Through my experiences, relationships, and my own therapeutic work, I have learned a great deal about trust in friendships.
First, it is important to realize that trust is built over time. Trust shouldn't be given all at once. Oftentimes survivors of abuse or trauma may let down their guard too easily, allowing others to cross their boundaries too early in a developing friendship.
Don't disclose all of your personal information, background, and/or secrets at once. In fact, you may want to start with "small talk". When first meeting someone, get to know them by asking them what I call surface questions. Examples of these might include:
What is your favorite...?
Where are you from?
What are you studying / what do you do in your current job?
Do you have any siblings?
And so forth. Getting to know someone gradually will allow you to develop a greater sense of trust over time.
Do things you both enjoy. Spending time together will allow you to develop a solid friendship. When you spend time with one another, you also have the opportunity to learn more about each other. When you see a movie, for instance, the movie may inspire you to talk about mutual interests or to bring up things you have not discussed before such as your opinions, thoughts, feelings, or experiences.
Consistency is another factor in trust in my opinion. If your potential friend agrees to meet you at Starbucks at 10AM and she runs into traffic, causing her to arrive late, does she call to let you know she'll be late? Does she offer an apology or explanation for her lateness?
Likewise, does your potential friend call to cancel ahead of time if she can't make your meeting? Are her actions consistent with her words? If she tells you she really wants to get to know you, but then doesn't call, e-mail, or make plans with you for the next three months, her words and actions are not consistent with one another.
There are times when we are ALL late, unable to cancel ahead of time, break someone's confidence accidentally, or neglect to keep good contact with our friends. However if these things are happening consistently, the person in question may or may not be trustworthy.
I believe trust is earned, built over time. If you have concerns about potential friends, talk to the people you trust (long-time friends, counselors, a pastor, etc) to get their take on the situation. Then, you may want to consider talking with your potential friend about your concerns regarding him or her.
The most important thing to remember is to take relationships slowly; don't let new or potential friends cross all your boundaries initially and listen to your instincts!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Trust
Trust is one of those abstract concepts everyone seems to hold a different opinion about. It appears to be hard to define in any definite terms. But I'd like to share the insights I've gained about trust through my work as a student social worker.
In my first internship in my master's program in social work, I worked in a safe house and transitional housing unit. Not only had many of these women been abused by their former partners, but they had also been abused by family members and friends, people they thought they could trust.
And yet, here I was asking them to trust me, a total stranger. While I have suffered my own significant traumas, I couldn't ethically blurt this out to all the women in the safe house. While the statement might have shown them that I could relate to them, the statement might also make them warier of trusting me. They might feel as if I were too fragile to help them or that they needed to listen to me rather than my doing my job as their counselor.
Thus, I had to figure out different ways of earning their trust, and I did. I built rapport with the mothers and their children by spending a lot of time with them, eating dinner with them, attending their group sessions with them, talking about how their day was, and about their children. I also got to know each child by spending time with them - playing and talking with them, and just allowing them to be the carefree children they deserved to be.
It took two or three months before one mom, which the staff had a particularly hard time connecting with, began to trust me. We took things in baby steps. I got to know her - her likes and dislikes, what she did during the day, her ambitions, and so forth. Eventually, I let her know that if she ever needed to talk that I was available to help her. Opening the therapeutic door for her was an enormous step, one she wasn't ready to take before my internship ended. However, being able to really connect with this woman showed her that there are people out here to support her. I really think the trust she and I built together was monumental considering all that she had been through, and I was truly amazed at how much she accomplished in the short time we had spent together.
So, what is trust exactly? As I said earlier, trust is really difficult to define, but here is what I believe trust is. Trust is being able to count on someone, to know that you can confide in someone and that that someone won't defy your confidence. Trust is being able to share your innermost throughts, feelings, dreams, and ambitions with someone and that same someone should be able to share theirs with you. When you trust someone, you know that person will not judge you based merely on situational circumstances, but rather, they will look past situations and behaviors to seeing your core being.
I believe trust has to built over a period of time. If you have never been through significant trauma, trust might come more easily to you whereas those who have been abused or traumatized might need to take more time to get to know someone before they begin to place any trust in that person.
I believe trust is earned. And when it is broken, you have to re-earn the trust you lost.
If you're having trouble trusting or struggling with the fact that a friend or family member doesn't trust you, tune in later this week to learn how you can cope with these issues.
In my first internship in my master's program in social work, I worked in a safe house and transitional housing unit. Not only had many of these women been abused by their former partners, but they had also been abused by family members and friends, people they thought they could trust.
And yet, here I was asking them to trust me, a total stranger. While I have suffered my own significant traumas, I couldn't ethically blurt this out to all the women in the safe house. While the statement might have shown them that I could relate to them, the statement might also make them warier of trusting me. They might feel as if I were too fragile to help them or that they needed to listen to me rather than my doing my job as their counselor.
Thus, I had to figure out different ways of earning their trust, and I did. I built rapport with the mothers and their children by spending a lot of time with them, eating dinner with them, attending their group sessions with them, talking about how their day was, and about their children. I also got to know each child by spending time with them - playing and talking with them, and just allowing them to be the carefree children they deserved to be.
It took two or three months before one mom, which the staff had a particularly hard time connecting with, began to trust me. We took things in baby steps. I got to know her - her likes and dislikes, what she did during the day, her ambitions, and so forth. Eventually, I let her know that if she ever needed to talk that I was available to help her. Opening the therapeutic door for her was an enormous step, one she wasn't ready to take before my internship ended. However, being able to really connect with this woman showed her that there are people out here to support her. I really think the trust she and I built together was monumental considering all that she had been through, and I was truly amazed at how much she accomplished in the short time we had spent together.
So, what is trust exactly? As I said earlier, trust is really difficult to define, but here is what I believe trust is. Trust is being able to count on someone, to know that you can confide in someone and that that someone won't defy your confidence. Trust is being able to share your innermost throughts, feelings, dreams, and ambitions with someone and that same someone should be able to share theirs with you. When you trust someone, you know that person will not judge you based merely on situational circumstances, but rather, they will look past situations and behaviors to seeing your core being.
I believe trust has to built over a period of time. If you have never been through significant trauma, trust might come more easily to you whereas those who have been abused or traumatized might need to take more time to get to know someone before they begin to place any trust in that person.
I believe trust is earned. And when it is broken, you have to re-earn the trust you lost.
If you're having trouble trusting or struggling with the fact that a friend or family member doesn't trust you, tune in later this week to learn how you can cope with these issues.
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