Consequences of Verbal Abuse

Not only is verbal abuse hurtful at the time of abuse, it has lasting consequences as well.

Individuals who endure verbal abuse on a regular basis, such as from parents, close friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, fiances, and/or husbands/wives, suffer many psychological effects.

Those who endure verbal abuse may experience any number of the following side-effects of the abuse:

-Low self-esteem
-Low self-confidence
-Decreased enthusiasm
-Distrust in other relationships
-Doubting one's ability to communicate effectively
-Doubting one's own perceptions
-A feeling that he or she must be "on guard" all of the time
-The development of an internal "critical voice"
-A tendency to analyze/examine situations to try to figure out what he or she did "wrong"
-Self-doubt
-Wishing he or she wasn't the way he or she is
-Fear that one is crazy or going crazy
-Wanting to run away or escape
-Hesitancy in accepting one's own perceptions and/or coming to conclusions

When the victim of verbal abuse doubts himself or herself, his/her perceptions, thoughts, experiences, and feelings, the verbal abuser feels confident that he or she is successfully gaining control over the person he or she is abusing.

Verbal Abuse - Forgetting

Another type of verbal abuse is forgetting. While it is perfectly normal for everyone to forget things occasionally, a verbal abuser will "forget" things consistently.

Verbal abusers may "forget" incidents that were upsetting to his or her partner, arguments, and discussions. He or she may also "forget" important commitments, dates, and promises he or she made to his or her partner.

Verbal Abuse - Name Calling

Name calling is another form of verbal abuse. Name calling is the easiest type of verbal abuse to identify. Anytime your partner calls you a name, he or she is being verbally abusive.

This weekend I will examine the consequences of verbal abuse.

Verbal Abuse - Ordering

Another form of verbal abuse is ordering.

When one person in a relationship orders or demands another person to do something, he or she is telling his or her partner he or she should be ready at any moment to meet his or her needs, desires, and wants. Furthermore, the abuser denies his partner the right to make his or her own choices.

Here are a few examples of ordering statements:

-Clean that up.
-Take the trash out, now!
-We are not going to discuss this any longer.
-Make dinner.
-You're not going out of the house looking like that!

Verbal Abuse - Discounting

Discounting is a form of verbal abuse that leaves the partner of a verbal abuser feeling as if his/her feelings, thoughts, and experiences are worthless or don't matter, according to Patricia Evans in her boo Verbally Abusive Relationships.

Some statements that may be considered as discounting include:

-You don't know what you are talking about.
-You twist my words around.
-You are trying to start a fight.
-You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
-You cannot take a joke.
-You see everything in the worst possible way.
-You think you know it all.
-You think you're always right.
-No one asked you.
-Your feelings don't matter.

Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes

Trigger warning: This post contains details of verbal abusive situations.

Verbal abuse is often disguised by jokes by the perpetrator. These "jokes" are cutting, getting to the partner's core. They often demean the partner's femininity or abilities.

Some examples are:
~Boy, are you easily entertained.
~What else can you expect from a woman?
~You couldn't find your head if it weren't attached.

When/if you tell your partner that you do not think his "jokes" are funny, he may snap at you or tell you that you are too sensitive or that you cannot take a joke.

Do not think there is anything wrong with your sense of humor. These "jokes" are not funny, they are abusive.

Verbal Abuse - Undermining

Trigger warning: This post contains details of the things verbal abusers may say and do. This post may trigger memories of verbal abuse.

Underming is a tactic verbal abusers utilize to dampen his partner's enthusiasm, happiness, or excitement.

Undermining includes anything a partner uses to dampen your excitement. Some examples might include the following phrases:
-Who cares?
-That's stupid.
-Nobody asked you.
-Who asked for your opinion?
-Who are you trying to impress?
-What makes you think you're so smart?
-You'll never make it.
-It's over your head.

In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans even describes a situation in which every time one woman sat down to study, her partner took on a very concerned look and asked if she was OK. Over time, the woman became very anxious about studying, something she had originally been very enthusiastic about.

When you are constantly undermined, the verbal abuser tears at your self-esteem by making you feel as if your opinions, thoughts, and feelings don't matter.