Consequences of Verbal Abuse

Not only is verbal abuse hurtful at the time of abuse, it has lasting consequences as well.

Individuals who endure verbal abuse on a regular basis, such as from parents, close friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, fiances, and/or husbands/wives, suffer many psychological effects.

Those who endure verbal abuse may experience any number of the following side-effects of the abuse:

-Low self-esteem
-Low self-confidence
-Decreased enthusiasm
-Distrust in other relationships
-Doubting one's ability to communicate effectively
-Doubting one's own perceptions
-A feeling that he or she must be "on guard" all of the time
-The development of an internal "critical voice"
-A tendency to analyze/examine situations to try to figure out what he or she did "wrong"
-Self-doubt
-Wishing he or she wasn't the way he or she is
-Fear that one is crazy or going crazy
-Wanting to run away or escape
-Hesitancy in accepting one's own perceptions and/or coming to conclusions

When the victim of verbal abuse doubts himself or herself, his/her perceptions, thoughts, experiences, and feelings, the verbal abuser feels confident that he or she is successfully gaining control over the person he or she is abusing.

Verbal Abuse - Forgetting

Another type of verbal abuse is forgetting. While it is perfectly normal for everyone to forget things occasionally, a verbal abuser will "forget" things consistently.

Verbal abusers may "forget" incidents that were upsetting to his or her partner, arguments, and discussions. He or she may also "forget" important commitments, dates, and promises he or she made to his or her partner.

Verbal Abuse - Name Calling

Name calling is another form of verbal abuse. Name calling is the easiest type of verbal abuse to identify. Anytime your partner calls you a name, he or she is being verbally abusive.

This weekend I will examine the consequences of verbal abuse.

Verbal Abuse - Ordering

Another form of verbal abuse is ordering.

When one person in a relationship orders or demands another person to do something, he or she is telling his or her partner he or she should be ready at any moment to meet his or her needs, desires, and wants. Furthermore, the abuser denies his partner the right to make his or her own choices.

Here are a few examples of ordering statements:

-Clean that up.
-Take the trash out, now!
-We are not going to discuss this any longer.
-Make dinner.
-You're not going out of the house looking like that!

Verbal Abuse - Threatening

Threats are another form of verbal abuse.

Threats generally take on two forms:

If you (don't).....I'll....

For instance:
If you don't leave me alone, I'll leave.
If you don't have these chores by the time I get home, I'll be really angry.
If you keep arguing with me, I'll hit you.

The second type takes this form:
Do this or I'll....

For instance:
Do the dishes now or I'll make the dog sleep outside in the snow tonight.
Hang up the phone or I'll hurt you.
Do what I say or else.

Verbal Abuse - Judging and Criticizing

Judgmental and critical statments are another form of verbal abuse.

A parter can make judmental and/or critical statments about you to you (as "you" statements) or statements about you to other people (as "he" or "she" statements). Both types of statements are abusive.

Some examples of critical and judmental "you" statements include:
-You can't take a joke.
-Your problem is...
-You have issues.
-You complain too much.

Some examples of "he" or "she" statements an abusive partner may make to others include:
-He doesn't know what he's talking about.
-He can't keep his facts straight.
-She doesn't know which way is up.

Blocking and Diverting

Blocking is a form of verbal abuse in which the abuser controls discussion, withholds information, or diverts his or her partner's attention to something else.

Some examples of blocking include:
That's a lot of crap!
Where did you get a crazy idea like that?
Quit your bitching.
This discussion is over.
You think you know everything!

Other times an abuser will block discussion by diverting her attention to something else.

Some examples of blocking by diverting include the following:
This is too complicated for you to understand
I'm tired of your constant complaining!
Just drop it, I don't need this hassle!
I've already explained it to you before!

Verbal Abuse - Trivializing

Trivializing is where an abusive partner makes light of his or her partner's accomplishments or achievements. Oftentimes, the partner of an abuser may not feel he or she is communicating how significant an accomplishment is due to the abuser's trivialization of it.

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Verbal Abuse - Discounting

Discounting is a form of verbal abuse that leaves the partner of a verbal abuser feeling as if his/her feelings, thoughts, and experiences are worthless or don't matter, according to Patricia Evans in her boo Verbally Abusive Relationships.

Some statements that may be considered as discounting include:

-You don't know what you are talking about.
-You twist my words around.
-You are trying to start a fight.
-You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
-You cannot take a joke.
-You see everything in the worst possible way.
-You think you know it all.
-You think you're always right.
-No one asked you.
-Your feelings don't matter.

Verbal Abuse - Denial

According to Patricia Evans, denial is another form of verbal abuse. Denial occurs when the abuser outright denies the partner's reality and experiences.

Some examples of statements that deny a partner's experience and/or reality are:
"We never had that conversation."
"That never happened."
"I never said that."
"You're making all of that up."

Although the abuser knows these things have occurred, he or she tells his or her partner they did not in order to make him or her doubt one's experiences and reality.

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Verbal Abuse - Countering

Countering is a form of verbal abuse in which an abuser tries to dominate or control his or her partner and/or his or her partner’s reality, experiences, and/or feelings, according to Patricia Evans.

Evans remarks in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship that when an abuser constantly counters his or her partner, the partner cannot truly know what the abuser thinks or feels.

Countering is a tactic in which an abuser will tell his or her partner that he or she is wrong – that one’s reality, feelings, perceptions, and thoughts – are wrong.

Here are some examples of countering.

Example 1:

Partner: I think the acting in that movie was done really well.

Abuser: How can you say that? The acting was horrible!

Example 2:

Abuser: That doctor didn’t know what he was talking about. I wonder if he even went to medical school.

Partner: You didn’t think he knew what he was talking about? I actually thought he seemed very intelligent about his subject matter.

Abuser: You’re wrong.

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Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes

Trigger warning: This post contains details of verbal abusive situations.

Verbal abuse is often disguised by jokes by the perpetrator. These "jokes" are cutting, getting to the partner's core. They often demean the partner's femininity or abilities.

Some examples are:
~Boy, are you easily entertained.
~What else can you expect from a woman?
~You couldn't find your head if it weren't attached.

When/if you tell your partner that you do not think his "jokes" are funny, he may snap at you or tell you that you are too sensitive or that you cannot take a joke.

Do not think there is anything wrong with your sense of humor. These "jokes" are not funny, they are abusive.

Verbal Abuse - Undermining

Trigger warning: This post contains details of the things verbal abusers may say and do. This post may trigger memories of verbal abuse.

Underming is a tactic verbal abusers utilize to dampen his partner's enthusiasm, happiness, or excitement.

Undermining includes anything a partner uses to dampen your excitement. Some examples might include the following phrases:
-Who cares?
-That's stupid.
-Nobody asked you.
-Who asked for your opinion?
-Who are you trying to impress?
-What makes you think you're so smart?
-You'll never make it.
-It's over your head.

In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans even describes a situation in which every time one woman sat down to study, her partner took on a very concerned look and asked if she was OK. Over time, the woman became very anxious about studying, something she had originally been very enthusiastic about.

When you are constantly undermined, the verbal abuser tears at your self-esteem by making you feel as if your opinions, thoughts, and feelings don't matter.

Verbal Abuse: Withholding

Trigger warning: This entry contains detailed description of verbally abusive behavior.



Verbal abuse, unlike physical abuse, can be overt or covert. It isn't always obvious to the victim/survivor or her loved ones that she is being abused.



14 categories constitute verbal abuse, one of which is withholding.



Withholding occurs when one partner withholds affection, information, thoughts, and feelings from his partner. When one person in a relationship withholds, intimacy cannot be created. Survivors of verbal abuse who have experienced withholding say they do not know what they did "wrong" to be ignored.

Some examples of withholding might include:

-a partner withholding affection from you until you do what he wants you to do.

-refusing to give you information about where he is going, when he is coming back, about financial resources, and other forms of information.

-withholding material resources - in marriage, especially, withholding a promised food budget, bill payments, etc.

-refusing to answer questions, make eye contact, etc.

-withholding affection and comfort when you need it.

-ignoring you.

Over time, withholding damages self-esteem. The mistake many survivors of verbal abuse make, including myself, is that they try to "fix" the problem. They desperately try to figure out how to make the abuser happy so that he will quit withholding.



The truth is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to please your abuser to get him to quit withholding from you. Withholding, like all other abusive behaviors is about power and control.

Introduction to Verbal Abuse

First, on an administrative note: I've had to take a long hiatus from posting to this blog due to personal circumstances. However, I now find it appropriate and necessary to post here once again.

Patricia Evans was one of the first authors to explore verbal abuse in her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Over the course of the next 2-3 weeks, I will be taking an in depth look at verbal abuse, the things verbal abusers say and do, how to respond to it, and how to escape it.

Please be advised that many of these entries contain detailed descriptions of abusive behavior. For your own safety, if you find verbal abuse too triggering, please refrain from reading this material.