Families and Friends: Self-Harm

Your best friend calls you up crying hysterically. You try to ask her what's wrong, but she gets flustered and ends up telling you she has to go. The next day she confides in you that she cut herself again last night. You feel so helpless! You wish you could do something to help her. The good news is, you CAN do something to help.

Here are some things you can do to help your self-harming loved one:

1. Offer a chance for him or her to talk - Some self-harmers are trying to communicate through cutting, burning, hair pulling, and so forth. Given a chance to talk, some self-harmers will be more than happy to talk. Others may not know how to express how they feel. Still others may be reluctant to talk about what's going on. No matter what the case, be patient and don't push. Simply let him or her know that you are there to listen if he or she wants to talk about anything with you.

2. Nurture and care for them no matter whether your loved one has recently self-harmed or not. Some self-harmers feel that they can only get your attention when they hurt themselves. It's important to nurture your loved one regularly. Here are some ideas of caring things to do:
-Send your loved one a paper or e-card.
-Bring her a flower.
-Set some time each week where you and your loved one do something fun together.
-Take her to lunch or a movie.
-Hug her (if she likes hugs).

3. Offer distractions. Sometimes self-harmers merely need a distraction from their feelings for a while. Offer to go to a movie or dinner with your loved one. If you can offer her to spend the night at your house or offer to come stay at her house for the night.

4. Set some boundaries. Tell your loved one that you can talk up until 10PM at night, but if you don't want her to call at 3AM, let her know that. You might also tell her that you care about her, but you don't want her to hurt herself while she is actually talking to you because it hurts you to see her do this.

5. Be available. You can't be helpful if you're not available to your loved one.

6. Be patient. Sometimes families and friends of self-harmers expect them to stop self-harming right away. This may not, and in fact, often does not, happen. Stopping self-harming behavior can take months or years. It requires consistent support from loved ones and professional help for a self-harmer to break this unhealthy coping mechanism.

7. Get support for yourself. If you need to, talk with a therapist about your own feelings regarding someone who self-harms. Sometimes it is important to get help for yourself when you are supporting a loved one.

8. Educate yourself. The more you understand about self-harming behavior, its causes, and other related mental illnesses, the better off you'll be. This is one of the best sites I've ever found on self-harm.

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Why Do They Self-Harm?

One of the things I've discovered throughout my psychology and social work education and training is that people do things for reasons. These reasons may not always be clear to observers, however. And like any other coping mechanism, people self-harm for various reasons.

These are some of the reasons self-harmers commonly give for their self-inflicted violence:

-To numb feelings or to escape depression, dissociation, or emptiness.
-On the contrary, some self-harmers self-injure to escape numbness; they want to feel something.
--To prevent suicide (please see my post below for more information).
-To escape tension or overwhelming feelings.
-To communicate their emotional pain.
-As a way of continuing abusive patterns (many self-harmers have experienced abuse).
-To validate emotional pain.
-To gain control over something, their bodies.
-To punish oneself for being "bad".
-To cope with feelings of anger, alienation, depersonalization, depression, or disassociation.
-To get grounded or to escape a flashback.

Self-harmers have found that hurting themselves is a way in which they can cope with their feelings that seem to painful to just sit with. While the behavior may successfully prevent suicide, once the self-harmer is "hooked" on it, it is very difficult to stop. Learning new, healthier coping mechanisms is hard work and takes a lot of time and practice. For this reason it may take self-harmers months or years to completely stop self-harming.

Self-Harm and Suicide

Most people think self-harm is an indication that someone is trying to kill oneself. I have known several colleagues who have even thought this about their mental health clients. However, contrary to the belief, self-harm is not a suicide attempt, nor is it necessarily an indication that someone wants to kill himself or herself.

Self-harmers often have to use this unhealthy coping mechanism to SURVIVE their circumstances. Self-harmers often come from abusive, neglectful, or otherwise traumatic backgrounds.

It is vital that you talk with a self-harmer about their intentions when they self-harm before assuming that they want to kill themselves.

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Who Self-Injures?

The typical self-injurer is female and is in her mid-twenties to her early thirties. Self-injurers typically begin hurting themselves in adolescence, but some individuals begin harming themselves before or after this period in their lives as well. Self-harmers are generally intelligent, middle to upper-middle class, well-educated, and has suffered from sexual and/or physical abuse. Many self-harmers also have at least one alcoholic parent.

Certain personality characteristics are also typical of self-harmers such as an inability to accept rejection, tend not to plan for the future, tend to hate and invalidate themselves, tend to have poor emotional regulation, are usually angry at themselves, may be suicidal or self-destructive, suffer from depression and anxiety, do not feel as if they have much control, and tend to be avoidant. These individuals also tend to lack healthy coping skills.

Self-injurers may engage in other unhealthy coping mechanisms such as eating disordered behavior, substance abuse, reckless driving, unnecessary risk taking, and/or shoplifting.

Eating Disorders: Coping with Social Situations

Individuals with eating disorders often have a difficult time coping with social situations where food is involved, such as the holidays, parties, or other social events.

I have written an e-book entitled Eating Disorders: Coping With the Holidays and Other Social Situations. I used my personal and professional experience and knowledge to create this informative booklet for other women who have difficulty coping in these situations.

The book is $1.95. It's succinct, but packed with useful information.

Click the link above or on the sidebar to order.

Happy Reading!

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Eating disorders as coping mechanisms

Eating disorders are coping mechanisms.

When one focuses on food, weight, and his or her body image, he or she is avoiding the emotions that underlie the disorder.

A girl's parents get a divorce and she uses self-starvation to deal with her feelings of guilt, hurt, and sadness.

A boy is bullied at school and he uses binge eating in order to stuff his feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and shame.

Oftentimes, individuals who suffer from eating disorders aren't even aware of why they are using them as coping mechanisms. The goal of therapy is to uncover the underlying issues, to raise self-esteem, and to learn how to cope with feelings healthily.

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Coping with trauma anniversaries

As a trauma survivor I know how difficult trauma anniversaries can be. Other people may tell you to “get over it” or just not think about the trauma around the anniversary time, but we, as trauma survivors, know it’s not always that simple. Thus, I have created a list of suggestions that may help you care for yourself during a trauma anniversary as well as the time surrounding it.

Treat yourself to something you love: It is important during tough times that you remind yourself that you deserve good things and that you did not deserve the abuse, rape, or violence you experienced or witnessed. Sometimes it is hard to know what to do for yourself because when you are in this state of mind you feel as if you don’t deserve good things or to treat yourself well. So, here are some suggestions that may help you think of your own!
- Take a hot bath or shower.
- Put on your favorite scented lotion.
- Enjoy something you love to eat or drink. For instance, indulge in a Starbucks coffee, ice cream, chocolate, fruit, yogurt, or whatever you love.
- Wear comfortable clothes.
- Take a walk, run, bike ride, or whatever you enjoy doing.
- Cuddle with your cat or dog.
- Talk with a trusted friend.
- Plan dinner, shopping, a workout, or other activity with someone you enjoy spending time with.

Grounding techniques: Learning grounding techniques will help you if you are experience flashbacks or panic attacks. These techniques focus on the present, so they will bring you back to the present instead of the past.
- Clap your hands together or stomp your feet on the floor.
- Tell yourself you are safe and in the present.
- Touch the things around you and name them aloud or to yourself.
- Name the noises you hear around you or focus on any conversations taking place near you.

Make a safety plan: A safety plan will allow you to stay safe during an anniversary. You might want to notify trusted people of your trauma anniversary and request their support. It is perfectly okay to ask for the support you need. Think about what is helpful for you and tell trusted people so that they can better support you. You might ask trusted people to talk with you, go out to dinner, shop with you, watch a good movie with you, or just be available to listen to you.

If you have a tendency to self-injure, make a list of individuals, hotlines, and hospitals you can call in times of emergencies. Reaching out to someone, whether it is a friend, pastor or priest, family member, counselor, or a trauma related hotline is a healthy way to cope with your feelings.

Remind yourself that it will pass: It is hard to cope with feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, depression, fear, and anger. It’s also difficult to cope with symptoms you may experience from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder such as nightmares, easily startled, flashbacks, and triggers of the trauma. However, reminding yourself that the feelings and symptoms will pass may help ease the anxiety you feel about them.

Set aside time to relax each day: Setting aside time to relax may ease your symptoms and anxiety. What do you enjoy doing that eases your mind? Here are some suggestions to help you get started.
- Read.
- Write in a journal or a letter to a friend.
- Listen to your favorite music.
- Talk with a friend or other loved one.
- Spend time with your cat or dog.

Pray or meditate: Finally, engaging in prayer or meditation may help you through an anniversary time. If you are religious, pray to your Higher Power for the strength and courage you need to get through this difficult time. Read the Bible to find peace and comfort. Go to church for support from the church community.

If you meditate, make sure you set aside some time everyday to do so. I hear meditation is relaxing to the body, mind, and spirit.

Getting through trauma anniversaries is difficult, but you don’t have to do it alone. The suggestions provided here will help you take care of yourself while struggling through the feelings and symptoms associated with traumatic memories anniversaries often bring to the surface.