Mean Girls - What They Are and How to Cope

While aggression in teen boys tends to be physical, aggression in teen girls is often expressed in relationships. While adolescent boys use their physical strength as a weapon, adolescent girls use their relationships with their friends as weapons.

Relational aggression can include any and all of the following:
-Gossip - personal information about the victim is shared without her consent.
-Isolation - where a victim is somehow prevented from socializing with her friends.
-Humiliation
-Betrayal
-Lies
-Exclusion
-Spreading rumors about the victim

Relational aggression is not only hurtful when it is happening, it can also have long-term consequences for the victim of "mean girls'" behavior.

Studies have found that long-term consequences of relational abuse include, but are not limited to: depression, suicide, low self-esteem, loneliness, anxiety, and adjustment problems.

Parents should keep an open communication with their teens about relational abuse.

Some of the signs that your teen may be suffering from "mean girl" behavior include (but certainly are not limited to):
-A sudden disinterest in spending time with friends she once spent time with.
-Avoiding talking about friends she used to talk about openly.
-Isolating herself.
-Depression.
-Anxiety.
-Drop in self-esteem.
-Skipping school.
-Poor academic performance.

If you think your teen may be experiencing relational abuse, please talk to her about what she is experiencing. It is also wise to alert school officials to the problem and who is involved in victimizing your daughter. School officials are more aware and responsive to this behavior than they were a decade ago.

In order to avoid long-term damage to your daughter's self-esteem, please take her to a counselor or have her see the school counselor. Remind her that she is worthy and beautiful just the way she is.

Please do not ignore relational aggression. Seek help if you think your daughter (or son) is being victimized by her (or his) peers.

Increase suicide rates

This new report from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) really reiterates the importance of recognizing signs of suicide and the efforts mental health professionals, teachers, parents, and clergy should be making in suicide prevention.

You can view the report here.

Additionally, you can learn to identify the warning signs of suicide here.

Why Do They Self-Harm?

One of the things I've discovered throughout my psychology and social work education and training is that people do things for reasons. These reasons may not always be clear to observers, however. And like any other coping mechanism, people self-harm for various reasons.

These are some of the reasons self-harmers commonly give for their self-inflicted violence:

-To numb feelings or to escape depression, dissociation, or emptiness.
-On the contrary, some self-harmers self-injure to escape numbness; they want to feel something.
--To prevent suicide (please see my post below for more information).
-To escape tension or overwhelming feelings.
-To communicate their emotional pain.
-As a way of continuing abusive patterns (many self-harmers have experienced abuse).
-To validate emotional pain.
-To gain control over something, their bodies.
-To punish oneself for being "bad".
-To cope with feelings of anger, alienation, depersonalization, depression, or disassociation.
-To get grounded or to escape a flashback.

Self-harmers have found that hurting themselves is a way in which they can cope with their feelings that seem to painful to just sit with. While the behavior may successfully prevent suicide, once the self-harmer is "hooked" on it, it is very difficult to stop. Learning new, healthier coping mechanisms is hard work and takes a lot of time and practice. For this reason it may take self-harmers months or years to completely stop self-harming.

Self-Harm and Suicide

Most people think self-harm is an indication that someone is trying to kill oneself. I have known several colleagues who have even thought this about their mental health clients. However, contrary to the belief, self-harm is not a suicide attempt, nor is it necessarily an indication that someone wants to kill himself or herself.

Self-harmers often have to use this unhealthy coping mechanism to SURVIVE their circumstances. Self-harmers often come from abusive, neglectful, or otherwise traumatic backgrounds.

It is vital that you talk with a self-harmer about their intentions when they self-harm before assuming that they want to kill themselves.

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