Verbal Abuse: Withholding

Trigger warning: This entry contains detailed description of verbally abusive behavior.



Verbal abuse, unlike physical abuse, can be overt or covert. It isn't always obvious to the victim/survivor or her loved ones that she is being abused.



14 categories constitute verbal abuse, one of which is withholding.



Withholding occurs when one partner withholds affection, information, thoughts, and feelings from his partner. When one person in a relationship withholds, intimacy cannot be created. Survivors of verbal abuse who have experienced withholding say they do not know what they did "wrong" to be ignored.

Some examples of withholding might include:

-a partner withholding affection from you until you do what he wants you to do.

-refusing to give you information about where he is going, when he is coming back, about financial resources, and other forms of information.

-withholding material resources - in marriage, especially, withholding a promised food budget, bill payments, etc.

-refusing to answer questions, make eye contact, etc.

-withholding affection and comfort when you need it.

-ignoring you.

Over time, withholding damages self-esteem. The mistake many survivors of verbal abuse make, including myself, is that they try to "fix" the problem. They desperately try to figure out how to make the abuser happy so that he will quit withholding.



The truth is, there is absolutely nothing you can do to please your abuser to get him to quit withholding from you. Withholding, like all other abusive behaviors is about power and control.

Introduction to Verbal Abuse

First, on an administrative note: I've had to take a long hiatus from posting to this blog due to personal circumstances. However, I now find it appropriate and necessary to post here once again.

Patricia Evans was one of the first authors to explore verbal abuse in her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Over the course of the next 2-3 weeks, I will be taking an in depth look at verbal abuse, the things verbal abusers say and do, how to respond to it, and how to escape it.

Please be advised that many of these entries contain detailed descriptions of abusive behavior. For your own safety, if you find verbal abuse too triggering, please refrain from reading this material.

When People Say, "Enough"

This topic will probably cause some controversy, but I'm taking the plunge!

Tonight on 20/20 the show aired a segment on a restaurant owner who said "enough" with children who misbehave. 20/20 apparently hired two children actors to misbehave in the restaurant in order to see what other customers', waitresses' and waiters', and the restaurant owner would react.

Several customers were very irritated with the children. A few of them even asked the "parents" if they could better control them because they were in a public place. Several other customers also complained to the manager and waiters and waitresses.

The owner of the restaurant decided to let the "family" finish their meal, but asked them to never return to her restaurant. She proceeded to post a sign on the restaurant door saying that misbehaved children will not be tolerated in her place of business.

I have often thought about when it is appropriate to step in and ask parents to keep a better eye on their children. Sometimes it really irritates and saddens me that some parents don't seem to care about how their children behave. Nor do they seem to care about how their children's behavior affects other people.

Of course, the restaurant owner received a lot of criticism about the sign she posted on her door.

What do you think? Was this restaurant owner responding to out of control children appropriately?

Feel free to discuss in the comments section!

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